LushJunkie

sorry its been so long …

im not lost, i havnt relapsed, im well and alive and hella busy. plus i kinda inset a trojan onto our main comp …. “/ ooops … so thats getting fixed and i cant update too well from the phone seeing as how i write so damn much, but as soon as its back up and running and virus free i shall continue posting. 

keep your head up and your nose clean.

much love..
ZoëStar 

Posted 2 months ago

Asked by abovetheinfluencexxx-deactivate abovetheinfluencexxx-deactivate

This is a blog where you can submit your bad experiences with alcohol, drugs, ect. OR if you haven't did anything like that & you would like to share why you haven't and your opinion on it. What I am trying to accomplish is to get people to make better choices. A lot of problems stem from alcohol and drugs. & People are dying using them. Please, help out. You can go anon or not. I just want your help.

thanks and ill spead the word

Posted 2 months ago

Were all a little crazy here ..

“& We all come, tumblin’ down, no matter how strong, we all turn to the ground. Another day gone, we sink closer to fate. And soon we’ll find it’s a little bit too late..”
-Hanson [Dying To Be Alive]

In my lowest, darkest most disgusting moment, I didnt want to give up. Surrender was so out of context. Stopping actually took more work than continuing and I was just not willing to change for anything. I hated the idea of being surrounded by drug addicts in a “rehab” facility. I spent my first year [2009] with a free weekend stay from the wonderful officers of Jacksonville, in a no class inpatient mental instution, with people who were actually and clearly, completely out of their fucking minds. I wasn’t at all. I didn’t have problems. I damn sure didnt have drug problems. I damn sure had no idea at all how I woke up in there either. [Mental Hospital is most definitely on my list of places to never wake up confused]
The wonderful thing about drugs is that they give you invisible balls. NEVER in all of my 26 [at the time] years would i have done this sober or fucked up, except I did, obviously and I got damn lucky too. Punch a cop in the face and don’t land in jail because your mom’s screaming and crying about how you clearly need help, just please help her… sigh.
Without question that night, I’d decided to take Xanax and drink, nothing different from any other night of my life ..
While intoxicated I decided it to be such a good idea to call my ex boyfriend who once thought I was so special he tried to wreck his car with me in it because I dumped him… He will most definitely bring me alcohol. He has NO FUCKING CLUE that ive become a complete trash disaster… and so he did. A big ass bottle of vodka.. thats pretty much the last I remember of that night. He brought vodka, I took straight shots. I later got some parts of the story filled it. I had to pee and when I left him on my porch to go to the bathroom I was gone for almost an hour before he decided to come in and check on me [that’s a really long ass time, thanks] &he found me on the bathroom floor with my pants down. [typical, typical..] he tried to help me up, which woke my mom, who in all actuality prob cussed us both out and got me off the floor. All of this freaked him out and he pretty much ran and hoped for the best from me.. As the story goes [and im reciting this secondhand cause I was still far far too fucked up to remember shit] I decided I was awake and now I had sobered up [which I hadnt but if I could stay awake I was too sober] My mom conveniently stole whats left of my vodka for herself [shes an addict too, just dont ask her cause she will tell you she is most definitely not because she is prescribed her medications… sigh, that’s a WHOLE nother story..] Anyway so I went to the kitchen to eat, which I always did. I’d binge eat sitting on the floor with the fridge door wide open eating random things cold.. I have no clue if I ate or not. My mom left me to do whatever [I guess burn the house down if I felt the need] and shortly there after she came into the kitchen to find me passed out up against the stove. I assume I exhausted trying to make it to the fridge and just sat there a minute to “rest my eyes” however, no one will ever truly know what happened and how the fuck I got there or thought that it was such a great idea. All this was normal to me, I knew I’d be fine. I knew I’d wake up sober on the floor and wonder to bed, agitated that i fell asleep and ruined my high. [I’m not even sure that’s really a high, it’s more so a complete nonexistent memory lapse, that I tortuously put myself through to deal with the pain.] However my mom thought I’d ODed… called an ambulance, JSO [cops! just what every junkie loves to see when they get woke up] showed up before the medics and the lady cop that came in tried to wake me up by shaking me and yelling at me.. great idea, great idea … [My mom has a history of getting high and hitting, choking, shaking, yelling at me .. etc etc] So my natural reaction was “your mom’s attacking you again.” I’m pretty sure I intended to just push the lady cop away, however instead I popped her in the face… my bad. Instant handcuffs. YAY! My first adventure in the backseat of a cop car in handcuffs going somewhere unfortunate .. DOUBLE YAY! I was still too high to remember much but I do recall bits and pieces of that ride. I cried so hard, I truly thought I was going to jail, cause I mean who hits a cop and doesn’t go to jail? I had NO idea that cops could take you to mental instutions … found out pretty damn quick they can. Baker Act your ass and throw you right on in with the real crazies… I don’t remember much about getting there, I know it was like 3 am, I remember being cold as fuck, I remember answering a lot of questions and telling them that I have insomnia and that I will never sleep because I needed more Xanax. [Who does that?!? Ha!] I never did get Xanax .. they took me to my room where I passed out and soon after woke up to my bunkie who snored louder than I’ve ever heard come from any living thing and to a lady named Nancy that was standing over me, staring down at me like she wanted to stab me. Apparently, I STILL had no clue where I was and I just walked out of the room to the nurses station to tell them I couldn’t sleep in there with the snoring and the crazy lady [who didn’t stay in my room] and that I was sleeping on the couch. And that I did. I woke up the next morning to 100 crazy people surrounding me. I felt like a specimen on display. At that point I was sober, awake and [finally] scared shitless.
So that’s how I landed myself INTO my first “institution”. The randomness that happened to me inside my weekend stay there is a whole nother story ..
♥ .. ZoëStar

Posted 2 months ago — 2 notes